New semester, same place... and yet not

I'm still procrastinating finals. I think I need to see a therapist because I don't know how to think. Let me clarify - I don't know how to think about things I don't want to. I can't seem to form logical progressions that lead to a coherent and attentive broader idea of something. In other words, I can't seem to pay attention long enough to encode information or keep my thoughts on one thing long enough to get anything done unless it commands my whole attention. When I do pay attention though, I soar. Always have. I either do something to the extent to which I exceed even my expectations, or I don't do it at all.

I'm running out... my head feels tired and I am acutely attentive. I need to begin writing my literature on Happiness. I am really cursing the Sasquatch Bitch right now. She needs to go back to the forest she came out of. Ugh. I'm going to be glad I did the project though. I already am. The research is fascinating.

So in many ways I am still struggling with the same things. Recently I've began to actually starting to look for practical solutions to this issue. Well, to the symptoms at least...

So where's Claire???

I'm right here dammit. I'm really not in the same lost state I was in when I was writing the first post. Sometimes not knowing every aspect of yourself ensures that you will remain captive in the Cave of Doom of life. Paradoxically (I think I'm using that word right), if you shift around some of the aspects you do and don't know about yourself, you open yourself up to sky-high possibilities of happiness.

Namely, fuck Adrian. I mean, the best for him, whatever. It's not my problem anymore. It never was. It was never about me & him. It was about him & him, and about me & me. When we would talk, we were never saying the same thing. We never saw, heard, remembered, etc. the same things. Somehow I think the only common things we shared were the feelings, yet all at different points in time. Fuck him. See how I start to remember all the feelings and I'm back to saying that? I have to gently remind myself that I now know who I am. I don't have to be mad or hurt about him anymore. And then I'm better.

I'm learning how to cope with life. It's good. It's all good even when it's bad. How would I ever steer somebody else in the direction of healing if I myself had never traveled it? Many therapists in the field are said to have chosen that line of work in order to gain insight or distract themselves from their own distress and mental anguish. I don't want to be there for that reason. I want to, first, before anything else, establish my own grounds on which I can finally stand. When I do, I want to be a rock that dissolves into the sea only to solidify before the current disperses the fragments of my soul. That's a thin line, I know. But I believe that it is attainable. Believing vs. knowing vs. doing... I really need to get to work now.

And for the record, I mentioned that Adrian was hurting as a result from a bunch of stuff he didn't understand. So was I. I really feel for myself in that position to the point that I am brinking on tears. I sit back, take a deep breath, and exhale. Where was Claire? She was in the process of dissolving. And now I'm slowly but surely solidifying once more... and it happened just before the fragments of my soul were dispersed into the vague familiarity of memory.